The 5 Love Languages Afloat
Expressions of Love and Caring on Board
How many times have we thought about how nice it would be to be young again but with the wisdom we’ve gathered over the years? Some things might have saved us time, energy, and heartache. Others might have helped us in careers, personal relationships, and in having a better understanding of ourselves. Last year, quite by accident, Savvy Sailing Girl found out about something that apparently the rest of the known universe has been aware of since the 90’s. And, once having explored the concept, she was blown away by the principle and how effective it could be in relating to others. It’s the 5 Love Languages, and it applies to love in all forms, not just romantic love. In fact, SSG would suggest replacing the word “love” for the word “caring”, because if you consider it that way, it can be useful in all loving/caring relationships. This concept and new way of thinking about love (read: caring) was sparked by a book by Dr. Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages®. It was written in 1995 and has continued to be popular. How much easier and sweeter relationships might have been having this knowledge way back when! When you think about the close quarters on a boat, which tend to intensify all emotions, the 5 Love Languages Afloat can make a significant impact in fostering harmony, caring, and closeness, to all relationships aboard. So, in case (like SSG was) you aren’t aware of this helpful bit of wisdom, read on…
The five love languages describe the primary ways in which we feel loved and appreciated. By default, we typically show love to others using the same “language” that we prefer. Depending on our individual personality types, we may feel loved in different ways than our partners (and friends and family). Understanding and decoding these different ways of showing love will help take the guesswork out of your partner’s expectations and needs.
According to Dr. Chapman, there are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Everyone has a primary preference and most have a secondary as well. Just a note here however… we all like to receive some love in all of these categories, it’s merely our preference and the one category without which we simply couldn’t feel loved.
Below is a quick summary of each, but SSG (who is a physical touch and words of affirmation girl, in case you were wondering) suggests you go to the The 5 Love Languages® website to find out more, take the online quiz, and get the book(s).
1. Words of Affirmation
This love language expresses love and caring with words that build up, or affirm. Verbal compliments don’t have to be complicated; the shortest and simplest praises can be the most effective, as long as they are authentic.
“That outfit looks terrific on you!”, “You always make me laugh.”, or “You do a great job navigating.”
Words mean a lot if your partner has this love language. Compliments and saying to your partner, “I love you” go a long way. On the other hand, negative comments or putting them down can hurt your partner more deeply and it could take them longer to forgive if this is their primary love language.
2. Acts of Service
Your partner might have this love language if their motto is “Actions speak louder than words.”
This love language expresses itself by doing things that you know your partner would like. Cooking a meal, doing the laundry, and cleaning the boat, are all acts of service. They require some thought, time, and effort.
All of these things should be done with positivity and with your partner’s ultimate happiness in mind to be considered an expression of love. Actions out of obligation or with a negative tone are something else and will send a different message entirely.
3. Receiving Gifts
This love language isn’t necessarily materialistic. It just means that a meaningful or thoughtful gift makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. Something as simple as picking up a favorite treat while provisioning after a long passage can make a huge impact. This is different than Acts of Service however, where you show you care by performing actions to benefit your partner.
4. Quality Time
This love language is all about undivided attention. Yes, on board you’re pretty much together 24×7, but in most cases the time isn’t necessarily quality time. No TV or movies, no smartphones, emails, boat chores, or any other distractions. If this is your partner’s primary language, they don’t just want to be present and included during this period of time, they really want to be the center of your attention. They want their partners to look at them and them only.
This doesn’t mean that you don’t curl up in the salon to watch a show together; it just means that you also need to make sure you dedicate time together without distractions. That will help them feel loved in the relationship.
Every time you postpone your quality time together, or aren’t mentally present, it can be extremely hurtful to your partner who’s language is quality time, as it can make them feel like you care more about other things or activities than them.
5. Physical Touch
To people with this love language, nothing is more impactful than the physical touch of their partner. They aren’t necessarily into over-the-top public displays of affection, but they do feel more connected and safe in a relationship by holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc.
If Physical Touch is your partner’s primary love language, they will feel unloved without physical contact. All of the words, gifts, and quality time in the world won’t change that. They want to feel you close by, not just emotionally, but physically.
The 5 Love Languages Applied
So, there are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Each one is important and expresses love in its own way. Everyone has a primary language and often a secondary preference. Just because you and your partner don’t share the same love languages doesn’t mean your relationship can’t work. It may be a little harder, as you need to consciously think about how to show your love in your partner’s language… translating from your own natural inclination to the language they need to feel loved in, but learning your partner’s and your own primary (and secondary) love language will help create a stronger bond in your relationship.
But what about other relationships?… family, friends, and crew. Surely in a strictly working-crew environment any physical touch needs to be appropriate… don’t go hugging your deck-hand without prior consent. But a pat on the back would most likely be welcome. Any caring relationship will benefit from being aware of your own love languages and that of the people you care about.
Savvy Sailing Girl is a “physical touch” and “words of affirmation” love language girl . She was sailing with a skipper when she initially learned about the love languages. She now understands why words of affirmation rolled off him, but the simple act of making him coffee and meals (and snacks, and such) was so highly appreciated. He’s is an “acts of service” guy. In fact, he was so clearly an acts of service guy that he regularly said things like, “can I make you happy with a cup of coffee, tea, or… ?) Ah-ha! It took her some time to adjust her expressions of caring, but it made things so much nicer!
So, go out there and figure out who’s speaking which language and show some love!
